the circular runner

Five Minute Rant: My Bank and Its Zombie Employees

In humor, life, observations, Uncategorized on December 6, 2011 at 10:10 am

Wells Fargo, Noe Valley Branch in San Francisco–people, if you are reading this AND you are within this bank’s range, watch out! Walk away!  There’s something going on at that place, and I’m thinking cult, or maybe, Zombie-haven.  When I walk in, I have to pass by a bunch of people who don’t seem to have purpose but who have desks, and they are all smiles and creepy nods. I usually rush by them with eyes down and headphones a-blasting.  I don’t listen to angry music, but I’m thinking I should add some Korn or some other band whose music sounds like Satan on a bad day–would Satan sound happy on a bad day?  In any case, I look at my visits to the bank as being a type of game in which I move quickly, in hopes that the creepy-niceness that’s dripping off every surface will not contaminate my person somehow.  The desk-dwellers are not a problem.  They’re slow. I think too much mindless surfing the web makes them slow in body and mind.

But eventually, I can’t avoid the creepy-niceness because I end up in front of one of the tellers. They’re always on their feet, and they tend to be younger than the desk-dwellers, which makes them quicker and a more difficult opponent. These guys are relentless.  I have my headphones on, and try to avoid eye contact as I walk up for my banking needs, but these guys don’t care about banking. They’re all about questions, which would be fine if the questions were asking questions about banking. Being a poor teacher, my transactions aren’t exactly complex, but still, I could understand “checking or savings?” “direct deposit or cash-back?” These questions are answered on the forms I turn in with my check, but I could deal with repeating myself.  That would be so much better than what I do get because these quick-moving, overly-friendly Zombies. They’re all, “Hey, it’s a wonderful day out there. You got any plans for the day?” “Are you working today or do you have the day off?”

WHAT THE F…?  Are they asking me on a date? Am I getting propositioned? OR, do these people work for law enforcement?

Either way, I want to yell out, “None of yo beezwacks!!” I have fantasies of saying this with all the fervor of an elementary school kid. But I’m polite–maybe I’ve been infected by some of the niceness. No, I’m sincere, it’s not creepy-niceness.  The best I can do is to mumble something as I look away, or make an ordeal out of pulling my headphones away from my ears.  “Sorry,” I say, “I was just listening to my podcast.  It’s host is a cranky comedian who I love because he’s cranky and hateful. Did you ask me something that is truly important?” OK, I don’t add the last part.  I should, though. Not that it would matter. These are Zombies. They are mindless and a little awkward socially. They don’t know what they’re doing.  All I can do to avoid them is to get direct deposit and hope that I will not be infected and start being strange and asking inappropriate questions of people who come before me.

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