the circular runner

Do You Hear What I Hear? is the WORST X-Mas Song EVER–and part of Satan’s Plan

In humor, media, observations, Uncategorized on December 20, 2011 at 9:01 am

I am a Gen X‘er–you remember us? Supposedly, we’re ironic by nature. I’m not sure if we’re responsible for the wave of snark that drowns a lot of humor nowadays–I hope not. I think we might have something to do with hipsters and skinny jeans, and if so, I apologize. Snark and hipsterism, in general, are fine for a while, but it’s all kind of like candy: it eats away at you and leaves cavities where your soul is. I say this even though I’m about to snark out about one of the worst songs ever and THE worst holiday song currently playing at your local mall–and I’m including Hark the Herald Angels Sing in this, so you know I mean business. In my defense, I would say that the stakes are high. There’s a fake earnestness about Do You Hear What I Hear? that fools a lot of people into thinking that it means well.  It doesn’t. Do You Hear What I Hear? Well, do you? If you’re not hearing awfulness, then that’s a problem–a problem I want to solve right here, right now.

Let’s start with the lyrics: the song is a blow by blow of the night Jesus was born. Fine. It is Christmas, and there are people who actually think of Christmas as being a Christian holiday, so the content is what it is. The syntax of the lyrics is where the trouble really begins. It’s repetitive like a child playing a game of telephone in which the message gets out about the birth of baby Jesus starting with the wind and a lamb right on up to a mighty king. The structure of the story told is not very interesting– kind of like a proto-Tracy Chapman song, but without as much detail. Thanks be to God for that one. Still, repetitive and uninspired lyrics are not unusual and not exactly harmful. The problem comes in when the lyrics are combined with the music.

The repetitive structure of one character telling another character about the birth-event pushes the listener toward the end, which means that the composer had to write music that did the same thing. This is where I start cringing. Almost any version you listen to starts with simple music that then grows and grows in volume and intensity until by the end, you’re stuck with a deafening blast of sickly-sounding choristers singing through holy smiles, which in turn, causes the lead singer to do his/her damnedest to cut through all of the horns and drums and lame singing with his/her own lamer, louder singing. It’s all so earnest–too earnest, which ironically, makes it false. There’s no sense of humor here or wonder. There’s just this heavy, imposing wanna-be sanctity about the whole thing. It’s like the difference between a good person who doesn’t go announcing his goodness and the other guy who is always talking like a saint but who in reality is cutting up a goat and sacrificing it to Satan.

Too strong? Am I overstating the case? Well think about this: when I was a kid, there was this whole movement to uncover satanic messages in records. I don’t remember exactly, but I think the argument was something like if you played the records backwards, you’d hear someone tell you to go kill a goat or some other barnyard animal in the name of the Dark Prince. Look, talk all you want about Led Zepelin’s album covers or AC/DC’s secret lyrics, that stuff was in your face, at least. You might not like it. You might not want your kid listening to a song called Highway to Hell–FINE. But you can deal with the problem. Do You Hear What I Hear? on the other hands hides behind Jesus, but it’s a false prophet, my friends. The title itself should give it away. Do You Hear What I Hear? Cause the I in that title is hearing voices and they are evil and fake and they are everywhere. Do you hear it? I know I do. I hear something that is so awfu that only Satan could’ve produced it. It’s sneaky I’ll give the Dark One, but then what do you expect? It’s Satan..

I mean on the surface, it’s all goodness and light, but that’s how the dark one gets you. I

drives me up the wallI can’t tell you how many times students tell me I “shouldn’t trip”, which for those of you not in the know, does not mean I should watch where I walk. It means I should stay calm. But fuck that!  I am not a calm man, and Do You Hear What I Hear is awful–truly so. In fact, though it’s supposed to be all good and light, I think it’s Devil Music.

  1. The only Christmas songs that don’t make me queasy are Santa Baby and The Grinch song.

    Just sayin’ 🙂

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